The low place

It came to me today. The low place that I hadn’t quite reached yet.

It surprised me, because I thought I was past it. I thought I had accepted it. Then, a friend posted a picture of her new baby boy on Facebook. She has two little girls, like me, and was recently blessed with a son.

It covered me like a blanket, my grief. The pictures of the children I still wanted swirl around in my mind. We had names for them. The son, Michael Jonah, or the next beautiful girl, Stella Mae. We tried so, so hard for them. I would like to think that we are good parents. I would like to think that we have given Abby and Savannah a complete and loving life so far in their short lives. It took three months to get pregnant with Abby and only one for Savannah. Jerod held a baby on Christmas and looked at me with a longing smile and by the end of January I was pregnant with our youngest. I thought for sure I would have no problem having more. We waiting a little longer for the 3rd because Savannah was such a handful. It makes me wonder now if it would have mattered. I wonder if we should have stair-stepped them out and dealt with the stress of 3 young babies. At least then, I would have them all.

I feel incomplete.

We stopped trying in 2010 when I was diagnosed with melanoma. We didn’t resume until I was sure I wouldn’t have to undergo cancer treatments. We tried. Months and months. A positive test. So many dreams. So exciting. A miscarriage. So heartbreaking. A cyst. A surgery. Healing. Hope. Try again. Another cyst. Another surgery. All my chances are gone.

And now I am not whole.

I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I am mourning a dream. I’m not 34 until the 27th of this month. Both of my sisters got pregnant for the first time in their late 30’s. Unwed teenagers get pregnant with unwanted children every day. Why is this my path? It’s frustrating and maddening and ultimately just sad. I’m sad.

Do I need a new hobby? Do I need a new puppy? Do I need to finally go get my horse ranch? Do I delve into fitness and become a triathlete?  I have a void that I must fill.

I don’t want to be told to “be thankful that I have my two children”.

I don’t want to be told that “it’s God’s will”.

I don’t want to be told anything, really. I just need to speak my grief, so that I don’t have to hold it inside anymore.

 

***edited to say that once I posted this, I felt guilty. I don’t want special attention and I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. I write through my grief with my blog. I don’t like talking about it. I write, and I feel better.

An ultrasounding “Ugh”

I had my first checkup/yearly appointment last week with my OB/GYN since the surgery. I was a little disheartened when I had to remind him of what my story was, but I understand he has a ton of patients and can it can all get a little foggy.

After a talk and review we decided I ought to have an ultrasound to check things out and make sure nothing else was going on. If I got an all-clear, maybe we could do a dye test in a couple of months and see if all my parts were still open and ready for baby-making. I do love my little blonde babes…

Yesterday was my appointment, and not 1 minute into the procedure had passed before a nice big round blob appeared on the screen. I think I heard the technician sigh. She knew I was hoping for a nice happy uterus and ovary and to be sent off with happy baby-making wishes.

I have, what looks like, a 5cm endometrioma. Not to be confused with the 9cm serous cystadenoma I had previously removed. It looks like it is hanging out with my left ovary. You know, the only one I have left. I don’t really want to say more about it because at this point it is all just speculation and an image on the screen. My doc was out of the office yesterday and today so I won’t be able to talk to him about it till next week.

I’m pretty sure I’m having another surgery.

*sigh*

I want to say that it is okay. “Just one of those things”, is what I told my mom. It’s true. I believe that. It’s just one of those crappity crap crap sucky a$$ things that happen to people. To be honest, I’m getting better at this. I didn’t completely go over the deep end this time. Just a few tears in the technician’s room (I think I hid those pretty well). A couple swelled up on the walk to the car when I finally got out of the damn building with all the damn people and put my sunglasses on.

A couple of tears might have fallen. But mostly. I’m just getting numb.

Numb, after realizing that my baby-making days are long behind me. My body is sick. I don’t know what I have to do to fix it. Did I not eat enough vegetables? Should I have been taking my vitamins daily since I was 12? Do I drink too much? Am I not getting enough sleep? Should I give up caffeine? Do I lie too much? Should I be a nicer person?

What the eff was I supposed to do? I shrug my shoulders and sigh, because I won’t ever know. This is just it. This is just what my life is.

And like I said. I’m getting better at it.

On a side note – I would appreciate any women that has had anything similar, or has had a partial or full hysterectomy to give me a little of your story (the doc has said before that this might be coming). I private message on Facebook or an email would be great if you don’t want to comment. I’m starting my research. Thanks.