Bless My Heart

the improvement of a southern girl

Floating

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don’t kid yourself
and don’t fool yourself
this love’s too good to last
and i’m too old to dream

don’t grow up too fast
and don’t embrace the past
this life’s too good to last
and i’m too young to care

don’t kid yourself
and don’t fool yourself
this life could be the last
and we’re too young to see

What a terrible day. We lost a family member. My cousin’s grandfather. Not technically blood-related, but who the hell cares. He was family, in every sense of the word. I hold memories in my head and in my heart of his house and his face and his voice. Crossing Hwy 15 from Granny’s house to go swim at his. Going fishing so many times on their pond. Watching him watch boxing. Listening to him reminisce about our old mobile home on the Snake River in Wyoming, and how much he would have liked to live there. “We should have bought it, you know, from your mom. What a place”. He told me that over and over for years.

Thank you, Papa McVay. You were a part of my life, and for that, I am grateful.

I’ve been crying on and off all day since my mom called with the news. It’s all so very surreal when something tragic happens. You don’t really believe that it is happening at all. I couldn’t really tell you right now the exact reason why I’m crying, either. I am sad for the man, that is definite, but I think I am in mourning for the other members of the family. Worlds have been turned upside down, and there is nothing we can do to fix it.

I had to get out of the house tonight. I grabbed a few cds while heading out and got in the car. Driving and music always helps to clear my mind. It’s always amazing to me how therapeutic a particular song can be to a situation, and they always seem to appear at the right time.

I keep rehashing all of the “bad” things that have happened to me or people whom I care about this year. I want to scream WHY!? I want to run away from everything that I know and that knows me. Why is there always one thing after the other? Why is there no rest for the weary? Why do I feel completely beaten down and broken?

And I got my answer tonight.

As I was drifting through the aisles of a store, mindlessly shopping and mulling over the roller coaster of thoughts in my head… it came.

I am NOT in control, and I should NEVER be comfortable and content with my life.

I can look back 12 months and see a woman on top of the world. I see her confident and proud, not needing anything or anyone. I was taking my life for granted. Taking my God for granted.

And that is why I am where I am today. Learning a lesson of humility, patience, dependence, and sacrifice.

Sometimes God has to slap us in the face.

Repeatedly.

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Author: blessmyheart

I'm like any other 30-something woman that works full time as a teacher, has two kids, a husband, 3 pets, and has battled cancer. ...among other things. I have things to say, sometimes. This is where I say them.

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